Forgiveness in AA: Forgiving Others and Yourself in Recovery
Why forgiveness is so central to recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous, how letting go of resentment and forgiving others frees a person to stay sober, why forgiving yourself matters, and how the steps guide the process.
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Ponlawat Pitsuwan, Physician and Addiction Medicine Specialist, Phuket Island Rehab.
Forgiveness is central to recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous, both forgiving others and forgiving oneself, because holding on to resentment and guilt is one of the things that fuels drinking and threatens sobriety. Forgiving others, letting go of the anger and grievances a person carries, is emphasised in AA because resentment is seen as a major danger to the alcoholic, keeping them tied to the past and providing an excuse to drink. The recovery process works through this, particularly in the moral inventory of Step 4, where resentments are examined, and in the amends of Steps 8 and 9, which help repair relationships. Forgiving yourself is equally important, releasing the guilt and shame over past wrongs and the harm caused while drinking, which can otherwise drive relapse, while still taking responsibility through amends. Forgiveness in this sense is not about excusing harm or forgetting, but about freeing oneself from the corrosive weight of resentment and guilt so that recovery can hold. It takes time and is part of the ongoing work of recovery, supported by the steps, a sponsor, and the fellowship.
Why forgiveness matters in recovery
Forgiveness, both of others and of oneself, is a central theme in recovery within Alcoholics Anonymous, and for good reason. The reason is practical as much as spiritual: holding on to resentment, anger, guilt, and shame is understood in AA to be one of the things that keeps a person tied to drinking and threatens their sobriety. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous places great emphasis on the dangers of resentment, describing it as a primary threat to the alcoholic, and much of the recovery process is concerned with helping a person let go of the grievances and guilt that weigh them down. Forgiveness, in this sense, is not a soft or optional extra but a core part of the work of staying sober.
Understanding forgiveness in AA means understanding it in two directions: forgiving others, the people a person feels have wronged them, and forgiving oneself, releasing the guilt and shame over one’s own past actions, particularly the harm done while drinking. Both are emphasised because both kinds of held-onto pain, resentment toward others and guilt toward oneself, can drive a person back to drink. The steps and traditions of AA provide a structured path through this work, and a sponsor and the fellowship support it. Forgiveness is not about pretending harm did not happen or excusing it, but about freeing oneself from its corrosive weight so that recovery can hold, which is why it is so central to the AA approach.
Forgiving others and letting go of resentment
A major focus of forgiveness in AA is forgiving others, which really means letting go of the resentments a person carries toward those they feel have hurt or wronged them. AA teaches that resentment is especially dangerous for the alcoholic, because it keeps a person locked in anger and grievance, tied to past hurts, and consumed by feelings that disturb their peace and provide a ready excuse to drink. As the recovery literature puts it, resentment can be poison for the person holding it, regardless of whether the resentment is justified. Letting go of these resentments, through forgiveness, frees a person from a burden that endangers their sobriety.
Importantly, forgiving others in this context is largely for the sake of the person doing the forgiving, not primarily for the one being forgiven. It does not require excusing the harm, forgetting it, reconciling, or even telling the other person; it is an internal release of the grip that anger and grievance have on oneself. AA’s approach involves honestly examining one’s resentments, looking at one’s own part in conflicts where relevant, and working toward letting the resentments go so they no longer control the person or threaten their recovery. This practical understanding of forgiving others, as freeing oneself from the danger of resentment rather than as a favour to others, is central to why forgiveness matters so much in recovery.
| Aspect of forgiveness | What it involves |
|---|---|
| Forgiving others | Letting go of resentment toward those who have hurt you |
| Why it matters | Resentment is a major danger that can fuel drinking |
| Forgiving yourself | Releasing guilt and shame over past wrongs |
| Not the same as | Excusing harm, forgetting, or avoiding responsibility |
| Worked through | Step 4 inventory; Steps 8 and 9 amends |
| Takes | Time, honesty, and the support of a sponsor and fellowship |
Forgiving yourself
Just as important as forgiving others is forgiving oneself, which for many people in recovery is the harder of the two. Addiction often leaves a person carrying heavy guilt and shame over the things they did while drinking, the people they hurt, the responsibilities they neglected, the harm they caused, and the person they became. This guilt and shame, while understandable, can become a serious threat to recovery, because the pain of it can itself drive a person back to drink to escape the feelings, creating a vicious cycle. Forgiving oneself means releasing this corrosive guilt and shame, not by denying what happened, but by letting go of the relentless self-punishment that does no good and endangers recovery.
Self-forgiveness in recovery is balanced with responsibility, and this balance is important. It does not mean letting oneself off the hook or pretending one did no harm; on the contrary, the recovery process involves honestly acknowledging one’s wrongs and making amends for them. But once a person has faced their past honestly and is making things right where they can, continuing to punish themselves with guilt and shame becomes counterproductive and dangerous. Self-forgiveness allows a person to accept their past, learn from it, take responsibility, and move forward into a better life, rather than being dragged down by it. Learning to forgive oneself, while still owning one’s actions, is a crucial and often gradual part of healing in recovery.
How the steps guide forgiveness
The twelve steps of AA provide a structured path through the work of forgiveness. The process really begins with the searching and fearless moral inventory of Step 4, in which a person honestly examines their life, including their resentments toward others and their own wrongs and the harm they have caused. This examination of resentments is directly the groundwork for forgiving others, while the honest acknowledgement of one’s own actions begins the work toward self-forgiveness. Sharing this inventory in Step 5 brings it into the open and often brings relief, loosening the grip of secrets and guilt.
The amends steps, Steps 8 and 9, carry the work further, particularly in repairing relationships and addressing the harm a person has caused. In these steps, a person becomes willing to make amends to those they have harmed and then makes direct amends where possible, except where doing so would cause further harm. Making amends is a powerful part of both repairing relationships with others and forgiving oneself, because taking responsibility and putting things right, as far as one can, helps release the guilt and allows self-forgiveness to follow. Throughout, the steps are worked with the support of a sponsor and the fellowship, and the forgiveness they cultivate, of others and of oneself, is woven into the ongoing process of recovery rather than achieved all at once.
Forgiveness takes time
It is important to understand that forgiveness, of others and of oneself, takes time and is part of the ongoing work of recovery rather than a single event. Letting go of deep resentments or long-held guilt does not usually happen instantly, and people often find they have to return to the work, forgiving the same hurt or releasing the same guilt repeatedly as feelings resurface. This is normal and does not mean the work is failing; forgiveness is a process, and it deepens over time as a person grows in recovery. Patience and persistence, supported by the steps, a sponsor, and the fellowship, are what allow it to take hold.
The reward of this work is significant. As a person genuinely lets go of resentment and forgives themselves, they often experience a real sense of relief, peace, and freedom, released from burdens they may have carried for years, and their recovery becomes more secure as a major driver of drinking is removed. Many people in long-term recovery describe forgiveness as one of the most healing and liberating aspects of their journey. Forgiveness in AA, then, is not a moral nicety but a practical and profound part of getting and staying well, and embracing it, gradually and with support, is part of how recovery transforms a person’s life from one weighed down by the past to one open to the future.
Where forgiveness fits with treatment
The forgiveness work of AA and the twelve steps is a powerful part of recovery for many people, but it is part of a path of personal and spiritual growth and mutual support, not a medical treatment for addiction in itself. It complements professional treatment rather than replacing it. Addiction is a serious medical condition, and especially where there is physical dependence, overcoming it requires real treatment, whether a medically supervised detox, evidence-based therapy, and ongoing support, alongside whatever role the fellowship and the steps play. The emotional work of forgiveness, particularly around deep guilt, shame, or trauma, is also sometimes best supported alongside professional help.
This matters at the start of recovery in particular. Someone who is physically dependent on alcohol should not stop suddenly, because alcohol withdrawal can cause seizures and delirium tremens and can be life-threatening, so stopping safely requires a medically supervised detox. The forgiveness and self-forgiveness that the steps cultivate support the longer journey of recovery and emotional healing, while professional treatment provides the medical and psychological care that recovery from addiction requires. Seen rightly, the two are partners, and for someone carrying the heavy weight of resentment and guilt that so often accompanies addiction, both the forgiveness work of recovery and proper treatment can be parts of finding freedom and lasting sobriety.
Summary
Forgiveness is central to recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous, both forgiving others and forgiving oneself, because holding on to resentment and guilt is one of the things that fuels drinking and threatens sobriety. Forgiving others, letting go of the anger and grievances a person carries, is emphasised because resentment is seen as a major danger to the alcoholic, keeping them tied to the past and providing an excuse to drink. The recovery process works through this, particularly in the moral inventory of Step 4, where resentments are examined, and in the amends of Steps 8 and 9, which help repair relationships. Forgiving yourself is equally important, releasing the guilt and shame over past wrongs and the harm caused while drinking, which can otherwise drive relapse, while still taking responsibility through amends. Forgiveness is not about excusing harm or forgetting, but about freeing oneself from the corrosive weight of resentment and guilt so that recovery can hold. It takes time and is part of the ongoing work of recovery, supported by the steps, a sponsor, and the fellowship, and it complements rather than replaces professional treatment.
As Dr. Ponlawat Pitsuwan, addiction medicine specialist at Phuket Island Rehab, puts it, “Resentment and shame are two of the heaviest things my clients carry, and they will drink over either one. AA understood long ago that you cannot stay sober while clutching a grievance or punishing yourself endlessly for the past. Forgiving others is really about putting down a poison you are carrying, and forgiving yourself, while still making your amends, is about being able to live with yourself. I have watched people get years of weight off their shoulders doing this work, and their recovery gets stronger for it.”
Frequently asked questions
Why is forgiveness important in AA?
Because holding on to resentment toward others and guilt toward oneself is understood in AA to be one of the things that fuels drinking and threatens sobriety. The Big Book places great emphasis on resentment as a primary danger to the alcoholic, and much of the recovery process is concerned with letting go of grievances and guilt. Forgiveness, of others and of oneself, frees a person from this corrosive weight so that recovery can hold, which makes it a practical and core part of staying sober rather than an optional extra.
What does forgiving others mean in recovery?
It means letting go of the resentments a person carries toward those they feel have hurt or wronged them, because resentment keeps them tied to past hurts and provides an excuse to drink. It is largely for the sake of the person doing the forgiving, not the one forgiven, and it does not require excusing the harm, forgetting, reconciling, or even telling the other person; it is an internal release of the grip that anger and grievance have on oneself, so they no longer control the person or threaten recovery.
Why is forgiving yourself important?
Because addiction often leaves a person carrying heavy guilt and shame over the harm they caused while drinking, and the pain of this can itself drive a person back to drink to escape the feelings. Forgiving oneself means releasing this corrosive guilt and shame, not by denying what happened, but by letting go of relentless self-punishment that does no good and endangers recovery. It is balanced with responsibility through making amends, allowing a person to accept their past, learn from it, and move forward rather than being dragged down.
How do the steps help with forgiveness?
The process begins with the moral inventory of Step 4, in which a person honestly examines their resentments toward others and their own wrongs, the groundwork for forgiving others and beginning self-forgiveness, and continues with sharing it in Step 5. The amends steps, 8 and 9, carry it further by becoming willing to make amends and making direct amends where possible, which helps repair relationships and release guilt. Worked with a sponsor and the fellowship, the steps weave forgiveness into the ongoing process of recovery.
Does forgiveness mean excusing what happened?
No. Forgiveness in recovery is not about excusing harm, forgetting it, or avoiding responsibility. Forgiving others is an internal release of resentment, not approval of what they did, and self-forgiveness is balanced with honestly acknowledging one’s wrongs and making amends. The recovery process involves facing the past honestly and putting things right where possible, and forgiveness is about freeing oneself from the corrosive weight of resentment and guilt afterward, not pretending harm did not happen, which is why it coexists with taking responsibility.
How long does forgiveness take in recovery?
It takes time and is part of the ongoing work of recovery rather than a single event. Letting go of deep resentments or long-held guilt rarely happens instantly, and people often return to the work, forgiving the same hurt or releasing the same guilt repeatedly as feelings resurface, which is normal and does not mean it is failing. Forgiveness is a process that deepens over time with patience and persistence, supported by the steps, a sponsor, and the fellowship, and its reward is real relief, peace, and a more secure recovery.
Sources
Alcoholics Anonymous World Services. The Big Book and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. https://www.aa.org/
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Recovery and Mutual Support. https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/recovery
National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). Twelve-Step Facilitation and Mutual-Help Groups. https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/
National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA). Treatment and Recovery. https://nida.nih.gov/publications/drugfacts/treatment-approaches-drug-addiction
American Psychological Association (APA). Forgiveness and Wellbeing. https://www.apa.org/
National Health Service (NHS). Alcohol Support. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse/
Forgiveness in AA — key entities and related terms
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