Myths About Grief
Common myths about grief and the truths behind them, including the five stages, timelines, and what grieving really looks like.
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Ponlawat Pitsuwan, Physician and Addiction Medicine Specialist, Phuket Island Rehab.
There are many common myths about grief that can make an already painful experience harder. Some of the most widespread myths are: that grief follows five neat stages in order (in reality, the well-known stages are not a fixed sequence everyone goes through, and grief is far more individual and unpredictable); that grief has a set timeline and you should be over it within a certain period (in reality, there is no timetable, and grief can ebb and flow for a long time); that grieving means constantly crying and being visibly distressed (in reality, people grieve in very different ways, and some show little outward emotion); that you should stay strong and not show your feelings; that avoiding your feelings or keeping busy is the best way to cope; that grief is only about death (people also grieve other losses); that children do not grieve or should be shielded from it; and that if you are still grieving, something is wrong with you. The truth is that grief is a natural, deeply individual process with no single right way to do it. Understanding these myths can help people grieve without added guilt or pressure and seek support when needed. If grief becomes overwhelming or prolonged, help is available.
Why myths about grief matter
Grief is the natural response to loss, most often the death of someone we love, though we also grieve other significant losses. It is a universal human experience, yet it is widely misunderstood, and there are many common myths about grief, beliefs about how grieving should look, how long it should take, and what is normal, that are simply not true. These myths matter because they can make an already painful experience harder. When a grieving person, or those around them, holds mistaken beliefs about grief, it can lead to added guilt, shame, pressure, and isolation: people may feel they are grieving wrongly, that they should be over it by now, that they must hide their feelings, or that something is wrong with them, when in fact their experience is a normal part of grief. Understanding the truth behind these myths can free people to grieve in their own way, without unnecessary self-judgement, and can help friends and family offer better support.
This article sets out some of the most common myths about grief and the truths behind them, covering the well-known five stages, timelines, and what grieving really looks like. The central message is that grief is a natural, deeply individual process, that there is no single right way to grieve, no fixed sequence of stages, and no set timetable, and that many widely held beliefs about grief are myths that can add to a grieving person’s burden. It is important to approach grief, in oneself and others, with patience, compassion, and an understanding that everyone grieves differently. It is also important to know that while grief is a normal process that does not usually require treatment, support can be very helpful, and that in some cases grief can become prolonged, complicated, or overwhelming, or can contribute to problems such as depression or substance use, in which case professional help is available and valuable. Dispelling the myths about grief helps people grieve more freely and seek help when they need it.
Common myths about grief and the truths
One of the most widespread myths is that grief follows five neat stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, in a fixed order, and that a person must pass through each in turn to grieve properly. In truth, while these stages (originally described in relation to facing dying) capture some feelings people may experience, grief does not follow a fixed sequence; people do not move neatly from one stage to the next, may experience some and not others, may revisit feelings, and grieve in a far more individual, unpredictable, and non-linear way. Treating the stages as a rigid roadmap can make people feel they are grieving wrongly if their experience does not fit. A related myth is that grief has a set timeline, that there is a fixed period after which one should be over it. In reality, there is no timetable for grief; it varies enormously between people and losses, can ebb and flow, and can continue in some form for a long time, with waves of grief sometimes returning even years later, especially at significant moments. Grief usually softens and changes over time rather than simply ending on schedule.
Other common myths concern how grief should look and be handled. One myth is that grieving means constantly crying and being visibly distressed, and that if you are not visibly falling apart, you are not really grieving; in truth, people grieve in very different ways, and some show little outward emotion, cope quietly, or express grief through action or other means, all of which are valid. A closely related myth is that you should stay strong, keep it together, and not show your feelings, and that showing grief is a weakness; in reality, expressing grief is natural and healthy, and there is no weakness in it. Another myth is that the best way to cope is to avoid your feelings, keep busy, and not dwell on the loss; in truth, while distraction has its place, avoiding or suppressing grief entirely is generally not helpful and can prolong difficulties, and allowing oneself to feel and process grief, in one’s own way, is usually healthier. A further myth is that grief is only about death; in reality, people grieve many kinds of loss, such as the end of a relationship, loss of health, or other major changes. There is also the myth that children do not grieve, or should be completely shielded from grief; in truth, children do grieve, in their own age-appropriate ways, and generally benefit from honest, gentle support rather than being excluded. And a damaging myth is that if you are still grieving after some time, something is wrong with you, when in fact continuing to grieve is normal.
| Myth | The truth |
|---|---|
| Grief follows 5 neat stages in order | Grief is individual and non-linear, not a fixed sequence |
| There is a set timeline for grief | There is no timetable; grief ebbs and flows |
| Grieving means constant crying | People grieve in very different ways |
| You should stay strong and hide feelings | Expressing grief is natural and healthy |
| Keep busy and avoid your feelings | Avoiding grief entirely is usually unhelpful |
| Children don’t grieve; grief is only about death | Children grieve; many losses cause grief |
The truth about grief and when to seek help
The truth that runs through all of these is that grief is a natural, deeply individual process, and that there is no single right way to grieve. People grieve differently depending on their personality, culture, relationship to what was lost, circumstances, and many other factors, and all of these different ways can be valid. Grief is not a neat, linear journey with fixed stages and a deadline, but a varied, often unpredictable process that unfolds in its own way and time, usually softening gradually rather than ending abruptly, and sometimes returning in waves. Understanding this can relieve grieving people of the added burden of feeling they are doing it wrong, and can help others support them with patience rather than expectations. Grief can involve a wide range of emotions and experiences, including sadness, anger, guilt, numbness, longing, and even, at times, relief or moments of ordinary life and laughter, all of which are normal. Being gentle with oneself, allowing the process to unfold, and accepting support are generally more helpful than trying to grieve according to any set of rules.
While grief is normal and does not usually require treatment, support can be very valuable, and there are times when professional help is important. Support from friends, family, community, and, for some, support groups can be a great comfort. Professional help should be sought if grief becomes overwhelming, if it does not ease at all over a long time or becomes stuck (sometimes called prolonged or complicated grief), if it leads to serious depression or thoughts of suicide, or if a person turns to alcohol or drugs to cope, which can develop into a substance use problem. In such cases, counselling, therapy, and other support can help. It is important to know that seeking help with grief is not a sign of failing to cope but a sensible step when grief becomes too heavy to carry alone. The key messages are that many common beliefs about grief, the five neat stages, the fixed timeline, the idea that grieving means constant visible distress or that one should stay strong and avoid feelings, are myths, that grief is in truth a natural, individual process with no single right way to do it, and that understanding this helps people grieve without added guilt or pressure and seek support when needed. If grief becomes overwhelming or prolonged, or leads to depression or substance use, help is available and worth reaching for.
Summary
There are many common myths about grief that can make an already painful experience harder. Some of the most widespread are: that grief follows five neat stages in order (in reality, the well-known stages are not a fixed sequence everyone goes through, and grief is far more individual and unpredictable); that grief has a set timeline and you should be over it within a certain period (in reality, there is no timetable, and grief can ebb and flow for a long time); that grieving means constantly crying and being visibly distressed (in reality, people grieve in very different ways); that you should stay strong and not show your feelings; that avoiding your feelings or keeping busy is the best way to cope; that grief is only about death (people also grieve other losses); that children do not grieve or should be shielded from it; and that if you are still grieving, something is wrong with you. The truth is that grief is a natural, deeply individual process with no single right way to do it. Understanding these myths can help people grieve without added guilt or pressure and seek support when needed. If grief becomes overwhelming or prolonged, or leads to depression or substance use, help is available.
As Dr. Ponlawat Pitsuwan, addiction medicine specialist at Phuket Island Rehab, puts it, “The myths about grief do real harm, because they hand grieving people a rulebook they can only fail. There is no orderly march through five stages, there is no deadline by which you should be fine, and grieving quietly is not grieving wrongly. I see the damage when someone believes they must stay strong and bottle it all up, or when they are told to have moved on by now, because that shame and pressure can drive people toward alcohol or drugs to numb what they will not let themselves feel. The truth is kinder and simpler: grieve your way, in your time, and lean on people. And if grief turns into something heavier, depression, or a reliance on substances, that is exactly when to reach for help.”
Frequently asked questions
Does grief really happen in five stages?
No, not in the neat, fixed way the popular idea suggests. The well-known five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, were originally described in relation to people facing their own dying, and while they capture some feelings that grieving people may experience, grief does not follow a fixed sequence. People do not move neatly from one stage to the next; they may experience some feelings and not others, in any order, may revisit feelings they thought had passed, and grieve in a far more individual, unpredictable, and non-linear way. Treating the five stages as a rigid roadmap is a myth, and it can make people feel they are grieving wrongly if their experience does not fit the pattern, adding unnecessary guilt. The truth is that grief is highly individual, with each person experiencing it in their own way and time. So while you may recognise some of the feelings the stages describe, you should not expect grief to follow them in order or feel that you must complete each stage. Understanding this can relieve grieving people of added pressure and help them accept their own experience of grief as valid.
How long should grief last?
There is no set length of time that grief should last; the idea of a fixed timeline is a myth. Grief varies enormously between people and losses, depending on many factors, and there is no deadline by which a person should be over it. Grief often does not simply end but softens and changes over time, and it can ebb and flow, with waves of grief sometimes returning even years later, especially at significant moments such as anniversaries, birthdays, or reminders of the loss. Many people find that the intense pain gradually eases and that they learn to live with the loss and carry it, rather than getting over it entirely. Because there is no timetable, people should not feel pressured to grieve faster or judge themselves for still grieving after a certain period, and others should avoid imposing expectations about how long grief should take. That said, if grief remains intensely disabling and does not ease at all over a long period, or becomes stuck in a way that seriously affects daily life (sometimes called prolonged or complicated grief), it can be helpful to seek professional support. But in general, grief takes as long as it takes, and that is normal.
Is it normal not to cry when grieving?
Yes, it is entirely normal not to cry, or to cry very little, when grieving. The idea that grieving means constantly crying and being visibly distressed, and that if you are not falling apart you are not really grieving, is a myth. People grieve in very different ways: some cry a great deal, others cry little or not at all, some express grief openly while others cope quietly or privately, and some express their grief through action, work, or other means rather than tears. All of these are valid ways of grieving. How a person grieves depends on their personality, culture, upbringing, and many other factors, and a lack of visible crying does not mean a lack of feeling or love; people can grieve deeply without showing much outward emotion. It is important not to judge oneself, or others, for not grieving in a particular visible way. Equally, there is nothing wrong with crying openly; expressing grief is natural and healthy. The key point is that there is no single right way to grieve, and whether or not a person cries, their way of grieving is valid. Understanding this can relieve people of guilt about grieving differently from what they expected.
Should you keep busy and avoid thinking about your loss?
The idea that the best way to cope with grief is to keep busy and avoid your feelings and thoughts about the loss is a common myth, and while distraction and continuing with life have their place, avoiding or suppressing grief entirely is generally not helpful. Grief usually needs to be felt and processed in some way, and consistently pushing feelings away or staying busy to avoid them can prolong difficulties and lead to problems, sometimes including turning to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain. This does not mean a grieving person must dwell on their loss constantly or force themselves to feel; balance is important, and it is fine, even necessary, to have breaks, to function in daily life, and to find moments of normality and even joy. But allowing oneself to feel and express grief, in one’s own way and time, rather than avoiding it altogether, is generally healthier. Everyone finds their own balance between engaging with their grief and continuing with life. If keeping busy has become a way of never facing the loss at all, or if avoidance is leading to problems such as substance use, it can be helpful to seek support. The healthiest approach is usually to let grief be felt while also being gentle with oneself and accepting support.
Do children grieve?
Yes, children do grieve, and the idea that they do not, or that they should be completely shielded from grief, is a myth. Children experience grief when they lose someone or something important, though they express it in their own age-appropriate ways, which can differ from how adults grieve and can be easy to miss. Younger children may not fully understand death and may show their grief through behaviour, play, questions, clinginess, or changes in mood or sleep, and they may move in and out of grief, seeming sad one moment and playing the next, which is normal for them. Older children and teenagers grieve more like adults but still in their own ways. Children generally benefit from being included, in an age-appropriate way, and from honest, gentle, and reassuring communication about what has happened, rather than being excluded or having the loss hidden from them, which can leave them confused or frightened. Supporting a grieving child involves answering their questions honestly and simply, reassuring them, maintaining routines and security, allowing them to express their feelings, and giving them love and patience. If a child is struggling significantly with grief, additional support from a professional experienced with children can help. Recognising that children grieve, and supporting them through it, is important for their wellbeing.
When should you seek help for grief?
While grief is a natural process that does not usually require treatment, there are times when it is important to seek professional help. Consider seeking help if grief becomes overwhelming and unmanageable, if it does not ease at all over a long period or becomes stuck in a way that seriously affects your ability to function in daily life (sometimes called prolonged or complicated grief), if it leads to serious or persistent depression, if you have thoughts of suicide or self-harm, or if you find yourself turning to alcohol or drugs to cope, which can develop into a substance use problem. In these situations, counselling, therapy, support groups, and other help can make a real difference. Seeking help with grief is not a sign of weakness or of failing to cope; it is a sensible step when grief becomes too heavy to carry alone or begins to cause additional problems. A good starting point is to speak to a doctor, who can offer support and refer you to appropriate help, such as a grief counsellor or therapist. Many people also find comfort in support groups with others who have experienced similar losses. If grief has led to depression or substance use, treatment for those is available too. Reaching out for support when grief becomes overwhelming is a wise and caring thing to do for yourself.
Sources
National Health Service (NHS). Grief After Bereavement or Loss. https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/grief-bereavement-loss/
National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Coping With Loss and Grief. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/
National Library of Medicine (MedlinePlus). Bereavement and Grief. https://medlineplus.gov/bereavement.html
American Psychological Association (APA). Grief and Bereavement. https://www.apa.org/topics/grief
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Coping and Support. https://www.samhsa.gov/
World Health Organization (WHO). Mental Health and Bereavement. https://www.who.int/
Myths about grief — key entities and related terms
myths about grief, grief, grieving, bereavement, loss, mourning, death, myth, misconception, truth, five stages, stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, Kubler-Ross, non-linear, individual, unpredictable, timeline, timetable, no set time, ebb and flow, waves of grief, anniversaries, crying, visible distress, stay strong, hide feelings, suppress, avoidance, keep busy, express emotions, emotions, feelings, sadness, guilt, numbness, longing, relief, children, children grieve, age-appropriate, shielding, prolonged grief, complicated grief, stuck, overwhelming, depression, thoughts of suicide, self-harm, substance use, alcohol, drugs, coping, support, support groups, grief counsellor, counselling, therapy, professional help, mental health, treatment, recovery, help, people, process, way, life, someone, loved, pain, often, may, NHS, NIMH, APA, SAMHSA, WHO, MedlinePlus, Phuket Island Rehab, Dr. Ponlawat Pitsuwan